Does this post need more of a title?
Children can have irrational reactions to just about anything.
I think I’d be getting your hopes up if I said that I could teach you how to keep kids from having meltdowns.
I’m not some mystical child-whisperer.
However, I can teach you some strategies for working through meltdowns when you a) don’t know the child super well, and/or b)you are in a small group setting and can’t devote 20 minutes to working through emotions.
Know the Child
This is where you have to do some leg work by talking to the child’s parents and, possibly, some trial-and-error.
- Does the child crave contact (cuddles, sitting on lap, etc.), or do they want to be left alone when they are upset?
It’s fascinating to me that children that have the same autism diagnosis can respond to touch in completely different ways. Some seek it, some abhore it, and others try to push you away but they actually do want physical contact.
*I think it goes without saying that if a particular child does respond well to physical contact, you need to talk to the parents and find out what they do and what they are comfortable with. *
2) Is the child able to be distracted from big feelings? If so, what does the trick?
This may be a phrase, it may be an activity (like coloring), or it may be something sensory like a squishy ball, a beloved stuffed animal, etc.
Just keep this info in your back pocket. You never know when you might need it.
3) Are there any triggers to avoid and/or things I need to know?
Some children may have fears or anxieties about everyday things and events we don’t even think about. Think bees (every time they are in grass), or electricity, or plumbing. Or there may be stressors at home such as divorce or a new sibling that can most definitely affect their behavior.
Taking a few minutes to talk to a child’s parents can make a world of difference and avoid unnecessary, unpleasant situations. Plus, it shows the parents that you care.
When a child is melting down and you really don’t have the time or space to let them cry, or talk about it, etc., you can give a child choices.
I recommend only two choices, since his/her decision-making skills will undoubtedly diminish during these big feelings.
The choices need to encourage positive behavior without rewarding negative behavior.
Let me say that again: The choices need to encourage positive behavior without rewarding negative behavior.
Rather than offer bribes of treats or special privileges if they calm down, offer them choices for how they calm down.
For the youngest kids, I use the “power of 5” strategies.
Yes, I made that up all by myself. So don’t google it, it’ll just lead you right back here.
The “power of 5” strategies are:
- take 5 big breaths
- Take a 5-minute cool-off (basically a time-out but it’s not a punishment, it’s an opportunity)
- Count to 5 (or 10 or 15, depending on the child’s abilities)
Obviously, you can adjust these as necessary.
But the point is you are offering choices that allow them to calm down and re-enter the situation/group without rewarding the meltdown.
Be Gentle but Firm
It is completely acceptable to validate a child’s feelings, even mid-meltdown.
Technically, it goes beyond acceptable and I fully encourage it.
I think it can even be harmful to dismiss a child’s emotions, however irrational they may appear to you.
When a child is having a meltdown, squat/sit down so you are eye-level with them, and say:
“I can tell you are mad (or sad, or frustrated, etc.). It is no fun to be mad. Let’s choose a way to feel happy again. You can choose _____ or _______.”
Personally, when in a small group situation, or one where time is limited, I do not acknowledge why they are feeling so upset. That often causes a resurgence of crying and sobbing- not exactly what you want. If you feel a discussion is in order, you can mention it to the parents or talk about it with the child at a later time (when they are calm).
Being gentle but firm is a good balance. You are not a pushover, but you also are not “laying down the law.” You show you understand why a child is upset, but offer healthy ways to deal with those emotions.
So there you have it! I hope this series has encouraged those of you who find yourselves teaching or interacting with children.
Do you have any questions or comments for dealing with meltdowns? I would love to hear them!